A Stranger in My Own World

I was looking for my music notebook earlier when I saw an "All About Me" essay I've written long ago, I don't know when. I suppose almost everyone has written such essays that talk about one's self, but reading it kind of amused me, as it made me think about the past, so I want to share it.

An irony, "Everyone is unique like everyone else."

Confused. Bewildered. This is what I usually feel. Having mixed emotions at the same time: happiness, loneliness, failure, success, hurt, humiliation, betrayal, pride. Maybe this is my so-called "uniqueness."

Because of my "uniqueness," I have this feeling that I don't know myself, a stranger in my own world. A lot of questions, hunches whispering in my ear, swirling around my head.

Someone might wonder, how can someone write something about one's own self when one doesn't have an idea who he/she is? Well, I don't know either.

Being like this, I feel misunderstood. But I think everyone experiences this feeling. The feeling that everybody is against you, even those who you expect to be by your side. But maybe mine's worse. Maybe.

But all of us have to experience loneliness and be hurt to appreciate happiness. My "uniqueness" causes me to be happy even for the tiniest things. Knowing the fact that I am loved makes me feel overjoyed. Seeing my loved ones together like before, even from afar, makes me cry for joy. But then, those tears of happiness will be mixed with depression, thinking that that moment will soon end, wanting to stop time, but then realizing that no one can. After that, the feeling of being hopeless overcomes me and then I shed more tears. Then hopelessness turns into anger, angry at myself for being like this, for caring too much, for loving too much, for letting myself be hurt too much. And then I hate myself more because I've wasted my time with my stupid emotions when I should have just spent my time with them and made the most out of it. And then, I'm numb.

"The only permanent thing in the world is change." This is something that is very hard for me to accept, but I know I have to. I have no choice, that's life. Like Kuya Daniel said, "Live everyday as if it's your last." Then I will have no regrets. I know that everything is for my own sake. God knows what's best and He is the only one who really knows me. After all that, I feel happy and thankful.

I've revised some of the words and I did not include the title (it's really not that special), but basically, that's how I wrote it years ago.

Maybe I should have entitled it as "A Stranger in My Own World," it sounds interesting to me. Well, I'll just put that title in this post. :P